Hump! Fest: Not Awkward

Porn and movie theatres – the image that used to come to my mind was that one scene from “The Departed”, with Jack Nicholson waving a rubber dick in Matt Damon’s face at a sketchy triple-x venue. They’re dirty, and above all, you’d never find me in one.

However, Hump! Fest is nothing like that. The films – done by amateurs and professionals alike – are artistic and creative, quite unlike the stereotypical “plumber” porn scenarios one encounters online. The audience – inclusive and friendly – completely filled every seat in the Capitol Theatre and applauded and cheered for their favorite films and actors, many of whom may have been in the theatre themselves.

One of the films I found most entertaining was titled Toeing the Line – no, it was not a toe fetish film. Toeing the Line was a music video that featured a flamboyant gay couple getting sexy in or around companies that have been reputably “anti-gay”.

They got freaky in a Chic-Fil-A, made out and humped at an Exxon gas station, and ended up stripping and making a parking lot in front of a Mars Hill Church their own personal bedroom.

I watched a werewolf hunter get it on with a werewolf, a woman spanked with lettuce, pie sluts, masturbating Mormons, a Dungeons and Dragons orgy, stop motion sex, and many other things that probably shouldn’t be published in a public newspaper. Want to know what they were? Too bad – the films are long gone. That’s one of the benefits of Hump! Fest – all films are deleted after the festival, which means applicants are porn stars for a weekend, not a lifetime.

Want to know what gets Seattle raunchy? Go to the 2013 Hump! Fest – and who knows? Maybe you’ll enter into a film yourself.

By Ray Still