Posted March 18, 2013 by Cooper Point Journal in Letters & Opinion
 
 

Wasted Advice: 3/18/13


I want to start dating and it’s hard for me to find people I’m interested in who aren’t scared off because I’m kinky. I don’t feel right about trying to build a relationship with someone I know I’m incompatible with, but I also don’t want to be too forward.

– Been Disappointed in Search for More

I say, honesty is the best policy, particularly when honesty means bondage and sadomasochism. I mean there are no shortage of sexual perverts on this campus, obviously our mascott is a geoduck and our fight song rhymes the words  “squirt it out” with “swivel all about.” In fact, I think our fight song might just be an excuse to chant sexual innuendoes at school functions. Hell, maybe you should put an advertisement in this paper advertising how kinky you are, it might just be a journalistic step up from the gobelty-gook we normally put in here. In fact maybe we should have personal adds especially for perverts, that literally sounds like some shit we would do.

I keep on planning on going to bed at 10:00, but then 1:00 AM rolls around, and I’m still on Tumblr. I think I have a problem. How do I stop?

– Night Blogger

Olympia has a brand new Mud Bay pet store that carries a whole range of dog shock collars. Find one that fits snugly. Never take it off. Get someone from the computer lab to rig the sensor to your Tumblr account. Enjoy your new found nights of freedom. Knowing Evergreen, you might even start a new fashion trend.

As a new student at TESC, I am still adjusting to my new surroundings, while trying to stay organized and make positive impressions. The thing is – I always seem to be overdressed, and often look/feel out of place.

– Dressed to Distress

If you are overdressed, that probably means you are not getting your clothes from the dumpsters outside of Goodwill, which is where I think most people get their clothes around here. Its Olympia’s best kept fashion secret, DtD.

There is also a nice drainage ditch along the side of Harrison where I see people picking out stuff. Better yet, just donate all your current clothes to Goodwill, and then buy them back in a few weeks. This way at least they’ll smell like a nursing home. Remember: if you’re sitting in class, and you don’t look like you’ve spent that last several days connecting with nature by sleeping in a muddy grass field with your friend who uses healing crystals to make DMT, you’re doing it wrong.

As for fitting in, just go to the record store and pick up a Neutral Milk Hotel record on vinyl and just carry that with you for a week, making sure to eat at the flaming eggplant every day. You will make lots of new friends.

I keep ending up at Olympia hip hop shows completely sober. How should I deal with future situations like this? And juggalos?

– Lost in the Crowd

Unless you are a juggalo, you should probably avoiding going to hip hop shows in olympia at all. Keep in mind, the two best-known hip hop songs from Washington are “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot and “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore. No amount of alcohol can possibly make up for decades the state as failed to create hip hop music, unless you are a juggalo. Next time, I say you put on the clown makeup, pound a can of Faygo and keep Olympia weird.