Posted November 21, 2013 by Cooper Point Journal in Letters & Opinion
 
 

Extra Wasted Advice: 11/21/2013


Hello loyal (ha!) readers: We know you’ve been craving advice on all the trials and tribulations in your life, and that we haven’t delivered as of late, so here you go, an extra heaping bottle full of answers to guide you on this crazy journy we call “a hangover.”

I’m stressed about flying with my in-laws this holiday season. What can I do?

-Grumpily Grounded

Let’s preface this by saying I spend my time over-consuming beverages and being snarky- my experience with in-laws is somewhat limited. Once again, I must reiterate that I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice.  Or good advice. Please, don’t do this. Now- what you should do is a little game I like to call airplane roulette. You and your family all bring some sort of pill, tab, or otherwise unmarked substance to the airport. Put them all into a cup, and everyone draws one out at random. Before going through security, everyone draws one at random and takes it. Keep in mind when picking your poison, you made end up with your own. No mulligans. When you land, your bond with the in-laws will never have been stronger! Unless you’re not seated with them, in which case, your bond will be with your seatmate/new best friend.

Dearest Drunk,

My beau is still wrapped up in a co-dependent relationship with his ex-girlfriend, whom HE DUMPED. He texts and emails her, meets her behind my back. And she goes away on vacation and they write each other goddamn letters! All the while he claims none of it is pleasant, yet seems to compulsively run to her. Do I tell a bitch to back off, dump the dude, or run screaming naked into the night?

-@Wit’s End

This shouldn’t be the second question. I’m too sober for this. I’ll get back to you.

…………….

And we’re back. Alright sister, tough love time. If it were truly unpleasant, it wouldn’t still be happening. He may well be conflicted about the whole thing, and feel bad that he’s doing it. But that’s not enough. You shouldn’t have to share him against your will. You can certainly gather up all that angst and take it out on her, but to tell the truth she’s not doing nearly as much wrong as he is. He’s the one who needs to cut this shit out, not her. Dumping him shouldn’t be your first action either, but if you’ve talked about this, fought, screamed, thrown things, then it may come to that. I assume you have done all of this, because, let’s face it, the drunk dude spouting gibberish advice in the back of the paper is no one’s first stop. I know it, you know it. Other things you probably know are what you need to do about this situation; you just don’t want to admit it. And why would you? This shit lame.

ps- I always advise running screaming and naked into the cool embrace of night, but that is just common sense, and has no specific bearing on your particular issue.

Are rebounds necessary for moving on from a relationship?

-Bound to Rebound

Yes. Call me.

My girlfriend is really self-conscious about her teeth, so much so that she won’t smile in pictures and has to brush them at least three times a day. What can I do to get her to realize she has a gorgeous smile?

-Say Cheese

What’s with all the relationshippy questions here, folk? I think you wanted “Dear Abby.”

With a government controlled by greed driven oligarchs, and trillions of dollars lining the pockets of the wealthy elite who control political sway, why should I vote for the president?

-A. Narkest

Horatio Alger fought and died for your American Dream, to preserve the essence of greed in this God-loving country. Damnit man, don’t you see your boot-straps that you’re treading all over? Put down the hash pipe and listen up. Take a look at this ride we call the Untied States of America- you’re mother bought you this ticket when she popped you out. Fuck keeping your arms and legs inside at all times, it’s time to flail your way to the finish line, and if that means helping to pick the man or woman to blame when it all inevitably goes to shit, so be it!

How many of your friend’s boyfriends have you imagined sleeping with?

-Multi-Curious

“About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”

-Ernest Hemingway

What do you think about in the shower?

-Forever Unclean

This question.

I just caught my boyfriend masturbating to pictures of squirrels! What do I do?!

-Confused Copine

I have been waiting my entire professional career for this question. You have several possible branches to follow when you find out about your significant other’s particular predilections. Branch one: leave them for someone who is a little less nuts. But I am guessing by the fact that you are writing me, you’ve already decided against this most dull of responses. This means that – branch two – you need to confront the issue head-on, don’t let him squirel away his desires. To be honest, this is pretty bushy-leage kink; plenty of tails of people experimenting with costumes. This can range anywhere from the full-on-furry to the animal-inspired lingerie. You may not even need a costume to elicit excited chirps from your man- it may be as simple as a few nose scrunches and rump shakes in the heat of the moment. Whatever the case, if it means bonding with your boy , I have faith that you two will figure it out. Never forget the classic line from The Porncess Bride: “Rodents of Unusual Size? That shit turns me on.”

If you could have the power of invisibility or flight, which would you pick and why?

-Totally Not Bored in Class

I’m gong to go ahead and assume that isn’t one of those trick questions- where say you have the power of invisibility but not the ability to turn it on and off at will. So with powers at full, um, power, let’s break down the pros and cons. Invisibility pros: Getting out of tough situations, robbing banks, finding out what Tom Cruise does when he thinks no one is watching. Cons: Feelings of crippling loneliness, everyone assuming you’re a creep, finding out what Tom Cruise does when he thinks no one is watching. Flight Pros: No fear of heights (unless you do, then it’s a con), quick transportation, chicks dig it. Cons: Everyone wants you to help them move, 100 percent increase of the chance you fly into restricted airspace, you’ll probably end up working as the Chanel 5 traffic ‘copter. So, carefully weighing all of that information, I’m gong to choose transportation.

How many alcoholic drinks can you drink until you vomit?

-Nooby

Research pending.

A co-worker of mine has really bad body odor. How do I tell them without hurting their feelings? I avoid them at all costs because they smell so bad.

-Work Stinks

What I use on the grunts here is, to go buy one of those pocket-sized Febreze dealies. Every time they walk by, I give them a quick spritz. If they look at me strangely, I just laugh it off like it’s some joke they don’t get. Over the course of a few weeks, the Febreze layer builds up on the clothes the never change, and soon every time they walk into the room, the overwhelming scent of chemical cleaner comes wafting in with them, and everyone else in the room yells at them to get out. Problem solved.

What do I do if I have to try to look others in the eyes?

-Naval-Gazer

When these awkward instances present themselves, think about the science of genetics. There’s a chance for the recessive gene to pass onto another generation and become dominant. But first, you have to pass the gene on. It moves on to the strange child, who might become some new millionaire or Ghengis Khan, and all those previously recessive genes take over again. Things like ‘strength’ over ‘intelligence, ‘short-term dominance,’ those are recessive down the line. I speak of this because… Good drunk advice sometimes makes a good child. A Child of Advice. Metaphorically speaking. Sorry, this isn’t helping is it? But, well, we cant help it can we? Otherwise, your life won’t ‘happen’ like others. I mean, not others as in, be like them, but I mean, an ‘others’ being an anonymous, maybe affiliated few, who characteristically stay in tune with reality. You can imitate them or you can try to be like one of them or you can just be. I’m seeing so much the wonderful progress of everyone, but so rarely seeing their failures. But then failures are our social dark matter; as if they define us, yet we try to hide them. Anyway, it’s not worth torturing yourself to make yourself modern. At least we’re not like them.

Long time reader, first time caller here. I have an ongoing debate with my roommates about an eating challenge I proposed. I declared that I could eat 7 pounds of food in two hours. None of them believed that I could but they were willing to buy the food and let me pick it if I actually did the challenge. I decided I would choose soup as my food of choice and they all got pissy because they said soup is not a food but more of a drink. That’s bogus. Soup is a food. I relented and said a hearty soup or a stew. So I asked if they thought I could eat 7 pounds of soup in two hours and they said no, so I asked why not soup? They still say no soup even though they still believe it’s impossible. Any thoughts on this eating challenge or the best food to choose? It’s my body so I say I get to pick whatever I want.

-Ravenous Reader

That’s right man, your body your choice! Also- thanks for the question, it was getting pretty dark back there. I remember watching the Glutton Bowl on Fox TV way back in the day. One of the challenges was who could eat the most bowls of mayonnaise. Another was sticks of butter. What I’m trying to say here, besides how disgusting that is, is that if those qualify as food for an eating contest, than soup damn well does too. Now, I also doubt that you can consume 7 pounds of that shit, especially a hearty stew, because that’s a whole lot of fucking food. You should probably get incredibly stoned before you try that. If you do attempt it, I’d like to be there to watch. In fact, I’ll do you one better- I’ll come do a feature on you. Damn, now I’m hungry.