Dear New Editors:
Good Lord, the cover was impossible to read this time around. Ray, you’re leaving this rag in tatters. Make sure the name of your fine publication is legible. At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at there. Try again, Mr Riggs. The sign and the signified are not the same, sir. And where’s the Wasted Advice Column this week? It’s one of the sections of the paper that doesn’t make me want to take another shot, gives me hope for the future of print media. Do you need more questions? Here’s one: How come your Patrick Stewart has so much hair? I feel deceived. Am I to understand that Captain Picard has never actually been your employee? I don’t know what to say. Where are the best mojitos in this town? Why do Greeners love PBR so much? I’m from the Midwest, you see, where we don’t do irony. I’m learning, but where I come from you try not to waste money on cheap beer, especially if you know it’s bad. But then again, with what standard can PBR be compared if that’s most of what you drink? When will undergraduates to develop better taste in beer? Will they ever?
P. S. You know, that article about the faculty voting to limit ILCs was some good reporting. Do more of that. Thanks for doing what you do. Also good job on the interview with Eli Sterling, Mr Procession of the Species. Hurrah for Emily McHugh!
Hello there Verity Jones,
This is Patrick Stewart. Glad to have made your acquaintance. I thought maybe I could help you out with a few of the questions and concerns you put forth in your lovely letter—specifically the ones related to yours truly. You have, perhaps unknowingly, asked me quite a few things here. If you had not yet pieced it together by the fact that my name is attached to any and all drinking related pieces put forth by this fine “rag,” I am in fact the high-functioning alcoholic behind the Wasted Advice column.
First off, thank you for the words of high praise. I’ll be adding them to my resume. Applebee’s will be most impressed. The reason for the lack of advice-ery in recent columns (which a close reader will have pieced together by now) is that I am currently studying in France. This obviously has not meant a decline in my drinking; or of people asking me for advice, for that matter. Only now it’s all in French and “Où est la toilette?” only helps in the most specific of situations.
I’ll do my best to answer your questions though, since you asked so nicely. Just let me finish this bottle of god-awful French whiskey first…
…Okay, and away we go. Our Patrick Stewart has so much hair because several years ago he entered a bet with a friend on who could go longer without a hair cut. As that bet involves a sailboat and $3,000 brandy, neither of us have yet cut their hair. I can say for certain that Captain Picard is not, at this time, an employee of the Cooper Point Journal. Whether he has ever been, or will ever be, I cannot rightly say; be it in our universe or another.
The best mojitos in town are ones you make for yourself. Face it, Oly has mostly shit drinks.
As for why PBR has become the cheap beer of choice, je ne sais pas. I actually like PBR, almost as much as I hate irony. I also like good beer. And whiskey. Wine. LSD. Maybe I don’t have the most selective taste. I haven’t had an IPA in over a month. Just red wine and Heineken. I’m surprised they haven’t discovered PBR here yet, since it’s literally a country made of hipsters.
Undergraduates will never develop better taste in beer because they are poor. When they graduate to become high-powered stockbrokers (or high/broke stockers) they will no longer be undergrads, and their tastes don’t matter. Although, if you truly think it’s impossible for an undergrad to appreciate a good beer, I’d recommend you to a nice little local beer-hall called the Skep & Skein. Seriously though, someone bring me a putain IPA.
I think I’ve answered all that I’m able to here, and if you have any other questions, please feel free to bugger off—this is my drinking time.