Wasted Advice

Greetings. Welcome to Wasted Advice, wherein you ask for ad- vice and I continue to get drunk and advise you. We both win. You can ask me the questions you can’t ask your resident advisor.

Why does this exist?
Are you drunken scholars or do you truly have no life? The long answer to your question is some long, involved existential shit that I’m not gonna get into right now. But I think Wasted Ad- vice exists as both a means to take up space in this very objective scholarly publication and also as yet another excuse for the CPJ staff to get hella turnt (we are always looking for excused to get #turnt). I consider myself to be a drunken scholar who also has no life. Who says you can’t have the worst of both worlds?

how can I use my liberal arts degree after college if I’m not cut out for customer service?
Um, is this supposed to be an ill-spirited joke? Your Bachelor of Arts degree has many uses, don’t take them for granted. Put your diploma to use as tissue paper next time you’re crying because you didn’t go to Western instead. The paper diplomas are printed on is also very aerodynamic so you can make a fun paper airplane to throw around while you’re unemployed and watching Netflix all day.

My pants smell like fungus but I really hate the binary laundry system Evergreen has con- structed. What should I do?
Binary systems suck. Smash the binary by refusing to participate in it. Who says you need to wash your pants, anyway? Sounds like some socially constructed hygiene bulllshiittt. Like who says you even have to wear pants? If you’re concerned about the fungus smell, I suggest masking it. Evergreen is a scent- free campus but I guess patchouli and weed don’t count as scents or some- thing. Douse your pantaloons in patchouli oil, dear friend. Extra points: patchouli repels moths.

What is the best way to treat Bieber Fever?
Listen to Salt n Pepa’s Very Necessary on repeat every day for three days. Actually you should probably just do that anyway. If symptoms persist for more than seven days then idk I guess that sucks 4 u.

So, how do you tell someone they are pretty without being a sexist bastard?
The first step is to stop being a sexist bastard. Maybe like read some Judith Butler or something? Don’t leave your house until you’ve completed this first step. Then think of a better compliment because telling someone they’re pretty is uninspired as fuck. Like don’t be a fucking bro about it you know? Stop being a creep and don’t have any expectations about how yr compliment will be perceived. Personally I think that compliments are a waste of time.

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could smash the patriarchy?
I don’t know if they’d chuck any more or less wood than they do on any given day. Maybe if they were fighting the patriarchy they would chuck less wood so they’d have more time to dismantle power structures and institutionalized oppression. But like imagine a bunch of cute lil woodchucks fighting for social justice is that not the cutest thing???

Do I mix this gin or drink it straight pls hlp???
Straight from the bottle, pinky up.


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