Posted November 20, 2014 by Felix Chrome in Wasted Advice
 
 

Wasted Advice

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Wasted-Advice-Crop_web

My dog is an asshole who won’t stop eating my used cottonballs from removing makeup. How likely is it that he’ll die doing this?
One of my dogs is an asshole too. That said, I don’t know shit about animals. You should probably do the responsible dog owner thing and google this ASAP. If your dog is already dead, I’m sorryk, but at least we all know the answer, right?

I really love Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” but everyone else seems to hate it and her. Should I keep my love secret or proudly flaunt it?
Look. I’ve never met Nicki Minaj, but I trust her. Get this tattooed somewhere on your bodyk, preferrably somewhere that’s visible to everyone, like maybe right on your face. “Yeah, he love this fat ass hahahahahahaha. This one is for my bitches with the fat ass in the fucking club. Where my fat ass big bitches in the club? Fuck those skinny bitches. Fuck those skinny bitches in the club. I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club. Fuck you if you skinny bitches, what CHA.” If you lose friends over it, they probably weren’t real friends to begin with. If they can’t handle you and/or Onika, they need to GTFO.

I’m eating a giant, delicious burrito. I think if I finish it I might throw up but theren’t not enough left to save for a meal later. And it’s so good I don’t want to put it down. But I might explode if I finish it. What should I do?
Whenever possible, eat the burrito. That’s actually my life motto. If you explode, so what. You’re gonna die someday anyway. Maybe sooner than you think, so eat up!

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo on my face because I’m angry with my parents. What do you think I should get?
Conveniently enough, I’ve already answered your question on someone else’s behalf. “Yeah, he love this fat ass hahahahahahaha. This one is for my bitches with the fat ass in the fucking club. Where my fat ass big bitches in the club? Fuck those skinny bitches. Fuck those skinny bitches in the club. I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club. Fuck you if you skinny bitches, what CHA.” Maybe get it in cursive since it’s dying out and that’s really sad.

My roommate won’t stop making my dog give him high-fives. What should I do?
Far as I see it, you have two options here. #1, train your dog in the sacred art ofs of throat rips or ball removal. Make sure he knows to ONLY do this to people who ask for constant high fives. #2 to save your dog some stress and yourself some money, shoot your roommate. Let your dog eat his corpse. You will save money on training lessons and won’t have to buy dog food for a few months.

My partner won’t go down on me even though I always give him blowjobs. How do I tell him I’d like him to reciprocate oral sex without making him too uncomfortable or pushing him away?
I know exactly what you need to do. Do somethign really sweet, like maybe make him a mix tape with this exact tracklist: “Lick it Before You Stick it”, “Blow”, “Kisses Down Low.” THose three songs should be good enough. Tell him you want to listen to it otgether. Put it on repeat and stare him directly in the eyes the entire time. If he hasn’t gotten the hint by the fifth listion, dump him immediately.