Posted December 12, 2014 by Cooper Point Journal in Wasted Advice
 
 

Wasted Advice


Greetings. Welcome to Wasted Advice, wherein you ask for advice and a different member of our talented staff answers each week—drunk. We both win. You can ask us the questions you can’t ask your resident advisor.

What TV show should I watch when I’m hanging out with my crush and cuddling? 

Bob’s burgers because it’s the best show and if they don’t love it then you know you can straight up fucking stop crushing on their good-for-fucking-nothing ass. You are a charm bomb ready to explode. You are worth having someone willing to let you go spelunking in their cave. But also if yr try’n’ to get flirty n sensual I suggest californication because that show’ll get ya horny as fuuuuuuck (oh hello sexiiii mulder getting’ yr freak on get cha freak on get-get-get chur freak on]

Is it truly a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll?

IT’S A LONG WAY TO THE TOP IUF YOU WANNA ROCK N ROOOOLL YEAAAAAH Um but seriously do you even knOW how many ppl on top are rock as fuck? Obama – rock and roll as fuck (Bar-OCK N ROLL) Putin – rock as fuck Beyonce – metal as fuck IT IS ONLY ROCK N ROLL ON THE TOP. You know who ISN’T at the top? Scott Stapp of Creed mild and brief fam. And do you know WHY he isn’t at the TOP – because he is NOT rock as FUCK. And now he’s penniless because the IRS is on his ass. That just ain’ t rock n roll.

How do I tell if my crush likes me FOR REAL ?

hahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahhahahahahahah (I laugh in pain) yeah so literally the only way to know is if you’re super frank and like – HEY I DIG U, DO YOU LIKE Me TOO? Because even the most tell-tale signs can be total bullshit. some jerk can be like, super fucking flirty and everyone around you can be telling you THAT PERSON TOTALLY WANTS YR GENITALS IN THEIR GENITALS but beware people sometimes will like the way yr affection makes them feel but theydon’t return it. CRUSHES ARE DUMB THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN COUNT ON IS YRSELF SO GET A SEX TOY AND GET TO IT.

How do I brring my love of spicy foods into the bedroom?

Nothing is more sexy than a burning diarrhea asshole. I can’t tell you how to do it, but like, only do it if you don[t care about weird farting and bloating and diarrhea diarrhea is the hardest word to spell god bluess u autocorrect

How can I make it through the ~holiday season~ without totally hating my shitty rich dad and reverting to my angsty teen self?

Stop being a whiney fucking assshat. Sounds like yr already an angsty tean fucktoid so fuckin embrace it and whine like fuck and threaten to kill yr dad if he doesn’t get you an iPhone for xmas. Sorry – CHRISTmas. KEEP THE CHRIST IN CHRIST MAS

I have always been to nervous to do karaoke because I am *terrible* singer but I finally want to say fuck it and just go for it, what song is a good first one to sing?

Oh hey, did present or future me go back in time and submit this question because I 100-percent was just as nervous about it. I am a HORRIFIC singer. But that’s not really what karaoke is about. Yeah it’s great when people ho are great at singing can sing nice songs to drunks but the best thing is like being with all yr friends and screaming your heart out to terrible renditions of Bohemian Rhapsody and My Heart Will Go On. The great thing is people will support you NO MATTER WHAT. Group songs are the best advice I have, because then it’s like, you get to sing and be on stage, but you don’t necessiarily HAVE to sing into the mic. The first time I did karaoke I was so fucking nervous that I double-fisted SUPER STRONG, SWEET drinks and was totally sloshed and kinda fucked it up but got over it and now I sing all kinda songs on my own (I still gotta be drunk because inhibitions are balls). DEFINITELY ONLY DO SONGS THAT ARE POPULAR AND WILL GET PEOPLE SUPER PUMPED because then they’re like not even caring about how someone sing.s they don’t even here you. FIRST SONG YOU SHOULD DO IS CLOSING TIME BY SEMISONIC WITH A HUGE GROUP BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME

I want a strap-on but there are no cool sex shops in Oly, how do you find out about sex toys?

I can show you the woooooorrrrrrld, shining glittering sleeendor, tell me princess how many vibrators can you fiiiind it’s a WHOLE NEW WOOOOORLD. But ok here’s the real deal – BABELAND is one of the best most amazing sex shops who are 8000 shades of queer and wonderful and anyone can find what they’re looking for through them. YOU CAN BUY ONLINE AND THEY W ILL SEND TO YOU IN A VERY INCONSPICUOUS BROWN WRAPING N STUFF. So if you order online, people won’t know you’re getting a giant spinning g-spot and clit stimulator and handcuffs. (not that anyone shoulf feel ashamede about that, but just incase). But also they have a location on CAPITOL HILL in seattle. So just a bus ride away (like 4 buses) is a sex-toy wonderland. Good luck on facilitating your next orgasm