Posted March 5, 2015 by Felix Chrome in Wasted Advice
 
 

Wasted Advice

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Greetings. Welcome to Wasted Advice, wherein you ask for advice and a different member of our talented staff answers each week—drunk. We both win. You can ask us the questions you can’t ask your resident advisor.

How is Nicki Minaj so good? Like, at all things? Forever. I’ve thoght about this a lot and the conclusion I’ve come to is that hs’es not human. Because no human can be that perfect. I actally amm not sure that she’s real. I won’t really BELIEVE in her until I get to see her live when the Pink Print tour comes through Seattle. And I will sing/rap along to every song and she will dance and be fierce and in my mnd Beyonce is there too and that’s my idea of heaven.

My boyfriend decided to prank me for Valentine’s by putting a snake in a box as a gift. Should I break up with him? If so, how do I break up with him in a way that satisfies my need for revenge? First off, break up with him immediately. Only an asshole would do such a horrible thing. as for your secind qyuestion, hae you seen Kill Bill or Secret Window? I would say either wait for him to fall in love with someone else and then murder him and the entire wedding party at the wedding rehearsal OR keep it light and murder them and their new partner and bury them in your backyard so that their bodies decompose and make the perfect soil fr your corn.

I made a dish that didn’t obviously have meat in it, and my vegetarian housemate decided to help themselves to it. Should I not tell them they just ate an animal, or let them suffer the karmic retribution for eating my food without asking? Wait a week and then buy a copy (hardback) of Eating Animals by Jonathan Safraon Foer and then leave it on their bed with a post note that says, “I’m sorrrrrrrrry!”

I feel like I am falling in love with someone. I have never quite felt the spark I feel for this person this quickly after meeting someone, but they have a partner. What should I do? I don’t want to screw their current relationship up, but I also feel so much of a spark I don’t want to let it die. Y’know, an anoying asshole who goes by the name of Drake and once starred on a Canadain TV tween-drama called Degrassi coined this term called, “YOLO”, whihc is basically carpe diem for stupid people and I think that even though I vioenlyly dislike him, he has a pojnt. You only live once. You may as well make the most out of this life. Eat that pzza. Drink that wine. And tell that person you love them. Or else.

What is the best beer to have with whiskey? This question insultes botth me and Ron Swanson. Do not mix beer with your whiskey, son. Drink that shit straight. It deserves bettrer.

I think my boyfriend is still in love with his ex. He talks about her all the time and even still has pictures of her on his computer. What should I do? There are so many possible answers to this question, Since I do not now the status of your relationship I am going to assume it’s similar to my current sitch and tell you that if you and your partner are in a monogomous relationship, then you need to tell them to “rethink that move, son.” Do not hold on to the past. Nicki minaj said that, “All things go,” and I believe her. fr your corn.