Wasted Advice

Greetings. Welcome to Wasted Advice, wherein you ask for advice and a different member of our talented staff answers each week—drunk. We both win. You can ask us the questions you can’t ask your resident advisor.

What’s the best way to get rid of fleas?
unlike unrequited love, fleas tend to linger along quite longer than anyone would like. also unlike unrequited love, fleas can be fully removed by burning all of your bedding and actually your whole house. or try a juice cleanse.

I have really bad seasonal allergies. WHAT DO I DO?
bathe yourself in local honey. let it seep into your pores. seriously. fill a bathtub full of it. duck your head under the surface and gulp as much as you want. light some organic beeswax candles too sure why not.

Why won’t you love me?
i just kind of got over it i dunno try it sometime.

How is your cat doing?
what does it even mean to be doing. yeah i guess my cat is doing things. she runs around sometimes chirping at bugs and some other times she sleeps on my belly. how does she do it? newton says something about objects in motion or something but i think he was talking about cats probably so i dunno ask him.

My roommate’s cat keeps trying to drink my wine. What do I do?
you know that scene in jurassic park three where the raptors like maim a dude to try and bring the others to his rescue so they can in turn maim them? i am saying do exactly that.

What should I do with my life after graduation?
you’ve seen scarface right? i mean just don’t do that. you’ll probably be fine jesus christ.

yeah this one time at some mexican restaurant i ordered seafood soup and it was the most incredible thing i have ever eaten. it had like whole scallops in it among shrimp bodies and the shredded remains of crabs. what i am saying is. god bless the sea and the tasty threats from the deep it delivers upon us.

Someone keeps sending me sex toys in the mail. I don’t know who is behind this. The toys are all brand new and in the original packaging. Are they safe to use?
if someone sent you a computer would you use it??? if someone sent you a hat would you wear it??? if someone sent you a life would you live it??? what if god was one of us just a stranger on the bus??? your call on what is safe in these days of terrorism and surveillance. but uncle sam probably has your back. or other parts as it were. just drop the toys in some boiling water to cleanse them of all the hypothetical nanocameras. that should do the trick. stay safe. stay aware.