Horror Scopes

Halloween Horoscropes

By April Davidson

ARIES 3/21 – 4/19

Your enemy sends you a text message saying to meet them at midnight in a downtown warehouse. You assume this means to fight so you gear up and prepare for battle. When you show up there’s no one there, even your enemy has abandoned you. The wind howls against the sheet metal walls. You realize the real enemy is yourself.

TAURUS 4/20 – 5/20

You’re on your way to a new job and you stop at a creepy gas station in the woods. There’s a grizzled old man who warns you not to drive any further down the road, it’s been closed for years because of mysterious accidents. You need the cash and you’ll be late if you take another route so you keep going. You wake up from a coma in the hospital ten years later and the nurse hands you a bill for one million dollars.

GEMINI 5/21 – 6/20

You think you hear your phone so you grab it but the ringing is coming from somewhere else. After searching for a suspenseful amount of time you find an old Nokia 3310 between your couch cushions. Your heart is pounding as you think, “is there even a carrier in my area that supports this model?” but you answer anyways. It’s Dominoes, they say you just won free pizza for life but you have to choose only one topping to get forever and you immediately burst into flames.

CANCER 6/21 – 7/22

You decide to never leave your home or speak to anyone ever again. No one suspects a thing because you made a robot and programed it with your backlog of your texts to generate hundreds of thoughtful replies. You assume one of your loved ones will eventually notice that they’re speaking to a fake version of you but you’re just too talented. Fifty years later some kids break into what they think is an abandoned mansion and find you under a layer of dust two inches thick.

LEO 7/23 – 8/22

Your friends are all going to the rural corn maze so you pick out your finest fall themed outfit for the event. By the time ya’ll get to the maze absolutely no one has complimented your style choices yet. You drop some hints about how certain shades of burgundy go so well with your hair color and still nothing. Getting frustrated you try to grab your friends arm and your hand moves through their body. Turns out you’re a ghost and literally no one knows you exist.

VIRGO 8/23 – 9/22

Your diligent work in creating functioning systems has been once again thwarted by the messy people that surround you. I was going to make that into a longer story but then I realized that happens to Virgo all the time. Every day is a horror when you’re a Virgo.

LIBRA 9/23 – 10/22

On Halloween you and your roommates decide to break into the ruins of the old mill looking for ghosts. Somebody says, “let’s split up, gang!” and one by one, you can hear the terrified shrieks as they are murdered by an unseen monster. You run home and hide in your bed until morning, when you emerge from your room they’re all back and tell you it was all a bad dream! You settle in to enjoy your avocado toast, but hear a gentle cooling fan noise and look up to see a small blue light blinking underneath their skin.

SCORPIO 10/23 – 11/21

One person’s nightmare fuel is probably Scorpio’s fetish. If there is a demon loose on the streets it’s probably you. If there’s a villain in the film you’re probably rooting for them. If there are monsters to fight you probably decided they were cute and took one home and now it’s your child. You probably sucked the blood of your monster child and now you’re an omnipotent dark lord. Happy Halloween.

SAGITTARIUS 11/22 – 12/21

You’re skipping along happily when you see some girl scouts slanging their cookies by a cemetery. It seems like a weird place to see girl scouts but you’re like, damn I love cookies so you rush over to their table. When you get closer you can see these girl scouts have red eyes but you’re like, whatever I love cookies. As you tear into a fresh box of thin mints the girl scouts lure you further into the cemetery. You wake up and you’ve been buried alive.

CAPRICORN 12/22 – 1/19

You’re determined to have the creepiest, most realistic costume at the Halloween party. You special order some silicon scars and wounds and make your own fake blood from scratch. Convinced you look like the real thing, you stride confidently into the party awaiting the anticipated screams. Everyone turns to look and then immediately looks away, your costume deemed ineffective. The embarrassment of this moment stays with you for the rest of your life.

AQUARIUS 1/20 – 2/18

On a trip to some crop circles you get abducted by actual extra-terrestrials! You and the aliens all hit it off instantly, turns out they’re huge fans of your work and they have an assignment for you. They drive you in their spaceship to an unknown location and you go through an intense vetting process. They bring you to a desk, turns out you’re just at Area 51 to do administrative tasks for eternity.

PISCES 2/19 – 3/20

Messing around with a Ouija board, you summon an ancient demon. The demon says they can give you magical powers if you let them inhabit your body for one hour, you agree. When you wake up you can fly, see thru walls, read minds, become invisible, talk to animals and make grilled cheese perfectly every time. When people find out about the grilled cheese they insist it’s your responsibility to become a small business owner, you hear the demon cackling.