By Daniel & Morrissey Morrissey
For you, dear reader, we have visited every gender-neutral bathroom on upper campus. As Hemingway once almost said, “write what shit you know.” We didn’t put every bathroom to use, as we didn’t have nearly enough coffee [1] or greenery burritos [2]. But, with continence — or, erm, confidence — we can say that these are the best gender-neutral bathrooms of Evergreen.
5. Second floor of LAB II
It is really weirdly narrow.
You will feel like you are in a French film.
Or perhaps Wes Anderson.
4. Third floor of the CAB, nearest the SEAL
I have literally never seen anyoneelse in there.
There is a lot of funny graffiti.
3. Hidden CAB Basement Lavatory
This one makes the list mainly for being hidden. To get there, take the elevator down to the basement and turn right. Ignore any inkling you may be in the wrong place. Follow the hallway for forty or so feet and turn left to experience gender-neutral shitter luxury. It is single occupancy, but you get a toilet with stall walls for extra privacy AND a urinal. There’s no cell service, but there is wi-fi, so you can scroll twitter as you shit without being bothered by robo-calls. The fire evacuation roots still list the bathroom as a men’s room but, make no mistake, this is definitively the third-best place to poop.
2. Runner up: Fourth Floor of
SEM II C
It is often empty.
It has a good mirror.
The toilet is not automatic
flush!!!!!
Overall Champion: Library
Loading Dock Double-Feature
Sometimes we might feel guilty spending too much time in a single-occupancy gender neutral bathroom, especially when folks keep jiggling the handle to see if its occupied. Our overall champion not only assuages that guilt by offering an alternative multi-occupancy gender neutral suite, but is also the most peaceful, well-kept and comfort-stocked poop-spot that Evergreen offers. Inexplicably, some bathrooms in this school have no mirrors, either as a result of ever-present graffiti or some sort of “you’re beautiful and you don’t even have to look at yourself” sentiment gone awry. Our champion lets you see yourself in portrait with a full-body mirror AND a classic 40-foot “doing makeup with the other cheerleaders while gossiping” mirror. The single-occupancy also has a baby-changing station. Our only complaint is that, when we visited, the walls had two graffiti swastikas. The walk through the often-empty library ground-floor is a calming break from class. If there was ever any sort of campaign to improve this schools often-neglected bathrooms — a bowel movement, if you will — then it should be modeled on these lavatories, a shining example of quality restrooms on a hill of shit.
