with Fiore Amore
I will now proceed to rate the majority of paraphilias listed on Wikipedia either “based” or “cringe” on no grounds other than my opinion.
Abasiophilia (people with impaired mobility): Based. This is a big win for disability justice.
Acrotomophilia (amputees): Cringe. This is just Abasiophilia but weirdly specific.
Agalmatophilia (mannequins and statues): Based. Anyone who can derive raw sexual thrills from going to the museum or Target has a power level far above mine.
Anililagnia (attraction by young men to older women): Cringe. Normie-tier. The term “MILF” is so widespread for a reason. You’re not special, Kyle.
Anthropophagy (ingesting human flesh): Based. I imagine this is like vore but with a sense of class, like instead of being swallowed whole you make coq au vin out of somebody. Wait, this is Hannibal. I literally just described Hannibal.
Apotemnophilia (being an amputee): Based. Being so horny you cut your arm off is a radical act of bodily autonomy.
Asphyxiophilia (being strangled): Based. No further explanation.
Autagonistophilia (being on stage or on camera): Cringe. This reminds me of theatre kids at my old high school, and it scares me.
Autassassinophilia (being in life-threatening situations): Based. Wanting to die is cool and trendy.
Autogynephilia (imagining oneself as a woman): Cringe. Wasn’t this a Contrapoints video?
Autoplushophilia (imagining oneself as an anthropomorphized or plush animal): Based. This is a radical denial of assigned humanity, the feral urge manifesting in the sexual, a schizoanalytic becomings-animal, th–
Biastophilia (interpreted charitably, “consensual non-consent”): Cringe. I have several dozen Grindr dudes for my supporting evidence.
Capnolagnia (smoking): Cringe. Imagine getting horny just because you walked past a folk punk show at Le Voyeur.
Chremastistophilia (being robbed): Based. If it celebrates or encourages crime, I’m in.
Dacryphilia (tears or crying): Based. If you have this, can I have your number? I’d be perfect for you.
Dendrophilia (trees): Based. Getting off can and should be a gateway to forming a cell of the Earth Liberation Front.
Emetophilia (vomit): Cringe. This is just messy but without any sense of grandeur.
Eproctophilia (flatulence): Based. The sheer volume of meme content this fetish has produced is award-winning.
Erotophonophilia (murder): Based. Once again, the Hannibal fandom is well-represented on this list.
Exhibitionism (public sex or public exposure): Based. An undeniable weirdo classic.
Feederism (eating, feeding, or weight gain): Based. Imagine the amount of calorie management that goes into this. You could minor in nutritional science!
Formicophilia (being crawled on by insects): Cringe. Wouldn’t you just get a home infestation by accident?
Forniphilia (being turned into furniture): Based. Now I can be a literal doormat!
Frotteurism (rubbing against a non-consenting person): Cringe. Lack of consent is an auto-L.
Gerontophilia (elderly people): Based. GILFs are underrated and I will defend them with my life.
Hematolagnia (blood): Based. This is a key component of what makes vampires hot.
Heterophilia (straight people): Cringe. Straight people don’t deserve rights. No, not even if you’re being horny at them.
Homeovestism (wearing gender-affirming clothes): Based. Sometimes you just need to look fancy, yknow?
Hoplophilia (firearms): Based. It’s hot to be in the danger zone.
Hybristophilia (violent criminals): Based. Ted Kaczynski — if you ever read this, hmu.
Kleptophilia (stealing): Based. Once again we return to the mantra “be gay, do crimes.”
Klismaphilia (enemas): Cringe. The one time I gave myself a wholeass enema I felt like I was fighting God. Never again.
Lactophilia (breast milk): Cringe. I’m oh so very tired of the “mommy milky” jokes.
Macrophilia (giants): Cringe. Tall Girl (2019).
Maschalagnia (armpits): Based. Simultaneously weird and mundane, very dialectical.
Mazophilia (breasts): Cringe. Not a fetish. Call me when you’re into hyperinflation.
Masochism (receiving pain/suffering/humiliation): Based. The classic.
Maiesiophilia (pregnancy): Based. I spent too much time on AO3 as a kid and now I’m like this.
Mechanophilia (automobiles and other machines): Based. Shoutout to /r/dragonsfuckingcars.
Melolagnia (music): Cringe. Who are you? Anthony Fantano?
Necrophilia (corpses): Cringe. Decomposition doesn’t seem very sexy.
Olfactophilia (body odor): Cringe. Please take a shower.
Omorashi (pissing yourself): Based. This is a creative way to make sure you get your laundry done on time.
Paraphilic infantilism (adult babies): Based, mostly because I find the idea of a grown-ass man going “goo goo gah gah” with a boner extremely funny.
Podophilia (feet): Based. Imagine not being part of foot gang in 2020+1.
Sadism (inflicting pain/suffering/humiliation): Based, same reason as Masochism.
Stigmatophilia (piercings and tattoos): Based. No reason. I just uhhhhhhh think girls with cool tats are neat.
Telephone scatologia (obscene phone calls): Based. Can someone check if Gamestop has Battletoads real quick?
Vorarephilia (eating or being eaten by another creature): Based, extremely Freudpilled, I too would like to return to the womb.
Wet and messy fetishism (being covered in copious amounts of a substance): Cringe. I can’t imagine how insane the cleanup on this would be.
